wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
