I want to stick my p in your. b.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
