Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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