Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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