please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
