Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
