There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
