I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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