Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
