Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I have tasted many bathrooms
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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