is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
