just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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