Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
