I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
