my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
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