the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
