my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
