I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
