grandma shit on top of the toilet
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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