I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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