I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
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