I haven't been this sober since birth.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Randomize
