I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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