How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Are my feet made of real feet?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
