she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Dear god my vagina.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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