He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
don't judge my taste in strippers
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
