when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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