I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
