Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
