Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
