Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
