Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Panties = found
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
