sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
