On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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