He uses pillows to masturbate.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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