Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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