I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
