the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Randomize
