why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
