his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
