you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize