My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
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