Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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