I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
