I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
