Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
