i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
