I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
