you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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