I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
