So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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