you didnt know i had herpes?
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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