i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
