Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
