I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
