I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
