my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
