i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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