I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
