I faked an abortion last night.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
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