When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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