That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
